I haven’t been on here in a while.
It’s been hard. I guess I moved thinking that it would magically change everything, that I’d be happy and not anxious because my family would be able to support me. While they have supported me, encouraged me, and helped me in my job search, the fact of the matter is that I’m still depressed, still anxious, and still wondering what the hell I want to do with my life.
I guess it’s hard today because it’s been cloudy and rainy all day. That always seems to put me in a sort of depressed mood. I’m so tired of feeling like crap, though. I’m tired of always feeling like I’m not being allowed to live my life to the fullest because this fucking disease is keeping me back. I’m also tired of not knowing what I want to do with my life because I got two very expensive degrees in the humanities that haven’t seemed to help me get anywhere.
Progress on my novel has completely ceased. I can’t even remember the last time I opened the file to work on it. And I can’t imagine a point in the future when I might actually want to work on it.
I’m sorry to be so depressing. I just don’t know what else to write. I know that depression lies and that I’m not really useless and won’t really be miserable for the rest of my life. But what about the now? What about the crushing anxiety I face daily?
It’s weird because I can’t tell what’s feeding what: is it the depression feeding the anxiety, or is it the anxiety feeding the depression? It’s a chicken or the egg scenario that seems to be unceasing.
I know that one day I’ll feel better and things will seem to fall into place. I just wish that day were sooner.